Welcome to America! That’ll Be $1,000, Please.

In the latest episode of "America: Now With Fewer Rights and Higher Fees!", the Trump administration has decided that freedom isn’t free—it’s $1,000 plus processing.

That’s right: according to a leaked State Department memo, Team Trump wants to let foreign visitors pay an extra grand to fast-track their non-immigrant visa interviews. Because what’s more American than an express lane for cash?

Let’s be clear—this isn’t about efficiency or national security. It’s about selling access like it's a Taylor Swift pre-sale. You want to visit your aunt in Milwaukee? Hope you brought your wallet and a tolerance for policy wrapped in capitalist cosplay.

The regular visa fee is already $185, which is steep for a glorified stamp and a three-month wait in a call queue. But this new plan? It’s basically TSA PreCheck meets pay-to-enter Disneyland, minus the rides and with extra bureaucracy.

And who does this help? Spoiler: not the average tourist. It helps the ultra-wealthy and maybe a few guys with $5 million lying around who want to buy a “gold card” citizenship—yes, that’s also a real Trump policy proposal. Meanwhile, the State Department’s own lawyers are like, “Hey, this might be illegal,” and Trump’s people are like, “Perfect. Let’s go.”

All this while international travel to the U.S. is expected to drop 7% in 2025. Why? Maybe because nothing kills the vacation vibe like bureaucracy, bigotry, and a thousand-dollar cover charge.

But don’t worry—we made an image for the brochure: Lady Liberty with a credit card reader. Welcome to America, now swipe or tap.

P.S. If you want to apply for political satire, there’s no fee. Yet.