The GOPocalypse Now Weekly Roast

Five Sizzling News Stories from the Last 7 Days That Deserve a Public Shaming (Satire Edition)

Published: July 21, 2025
By: The Ghost of Democracy’s Past

Democrats Discover Spine, Use It to Send Sternly Worded Letters

Thousands protested across the country, begging Democrats to “do something… anything… please?” about Trump’s authoritarian fever dream. The movement, dubbed “Good Trouble 2.0: Electric Boogaloo,” demanded that Democratic leaders stop playing “let’s wait and see” while the GOP sets the Constitution on fire and pisses on the ashes.

Top Demand? That Chuck Schumer deliver more than just sad grandpa tweets.

🗣️ Actual chant from the crowd: “FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT—WITH EVERY TOOL AVAILABLE! (Except the filibuster… because that’s sacred.)”
👉 Source

Satirical suggestion: Maybe Democrats should form a super PAC called “Balls for America.” All donations go toward finding their courage.

Texas: Now 98% Flooded, 2% Gerrymandered

After record-setting floods devastated parts of Texas, Governor Greg Abbott decided now was the perfect time to… redraw voting districts. Because when your state is under water, what better use of taxpayer dollars than to ensure Black and Latino communities vote from a raft in Ted Cruz’s pool?

💧 Water, water everywhere—but not a voting district to spare.
🔥 Democrats, not to be outdone, hinted they might retaliate with their own gerrymandering—finally confirming that yes, two wrongs do make a redistricting map.

👉 Source

Satirical suggestion: New Texas motto: “Drowning in water, thriving in voter suppression.”

Lindsey Graham Threatens Putin With a ‘Whoopin’’

Yes, this is real. Sen. Lindsey “Closet Colonel Sanders” Graham went full South Carolina smack-talk and told reporters Trump was ready to “put a whoopin’ on your ass, Putin.”

Is this diplomacy… or an episode of Hee Haw: Nuclear Edition?

Even Putin reportedly laughed so hard, he almost poisoned himself.

👉 Source

Satirical suggestion: If foreign policy is now WWE promos, can someone hand Graham a folding chair and a flag cape?

Commerce Secretary: “Let’s Sell Citizenship Like It’s Prime Day”

The New Yorker revealed that Trump’s handpicked Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick wants to sell U.S. citizenshipand fire the IRS. This man’s plan for America sounds like it was created by ChatGPT after binge-watching Shark Tank and taking a bump of crushed Adderall.

Fire the IRS
Monetize passports
Tariff the planet
Probably privatize toilets next

👉 Source

Satirical suggestion: Welcome to United States of Amazonia™. Your Social Security number now comes with banner ads and same-day delivery.

Trump Fires Half the State Department Because “They Read Books”

In a move straight out of The Purge: Diplomatic Edition, Trump’s administration axed 1,350 career State Department officials—including almost the entire human rights and diplomacy corps—because “they weren’t loyal enough.”

Current U.S. diplomacy team includes:

• A Mar-a-Lago bartender
• Jared Kushner’s AI clone
• That intern who once watched The West Wing

👉 Source

Satirical suggestion: New slogan: “Make America a Banana Republic Again.” Extra potassium, zero morals.

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