TrumpCard.gov: Because Dictatorship Looks Best with a Gold Lamé Finish
Trump’s new “TrumpCard” turns immigration into an infomercial. For $1M+, you too can buy residency — and a gold dictatorship card with Dear Leader’s face.
Well, folks, it’s official: America has gone full Banana Republic — and not the store. Donald J. Trump has launched TrumpCard.gov, where you too can buy your way into the country for a cool million bucks (five million if you want the premium package, complete with extra authoritarian sparkle).
Yes, it’s a government website. Yes, it’s real. And yes, his face is on the card like he’s your Supreme Leader issuing permission slips to breathe.
The Absurdity
Forget Ellis Island. Forget huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Lady Liberty is out; Uncle Donnie’s Visa Club is in. America’s new immigration slogan:
“Give us your billionaires, your oligarchs, your yacht-people yearning to park offshore profits. The rest of you? Please direct yourselves to Alligator Alcatraz in the Everglades.”
This isn’t an immigration system — it’s a PayPal dictatorship. For the low, low price of a million dollars, Trump will let you cosplay as an American while keeping your tax shelters intact.
Dictatorship Vibes
And the card itself? Trump’s photo stamped across it like a cross between a North Korean loyalty badge and a Mar-a-Lago Costco membership. Imagine whipping that thing out at the airport:
- TSA: “Sir, do you have anything to declare?”
- You: “Only my eternal fealty to Donald J. Trump, God-Emperor of Golf Resorts.”
It’s not a visa; it’s a cult loyalty token.
The Bigger Joke
Congress hasn’t even passed this into law, but Trump’s already running ads and collecting names. Translation: it’s basically a Nigerian Prince email scam — except the prince is orange and lives in Florida.
And the real kicker? The website proudly calls itself the official U.S. government site. Sure, Jan. Nothing says “legitimate immigration policy” like a page that looks like it was built by the same guy who made Trump Steaks’ checkout page in 2006.
Punchline
So here we are: America, land of the free, home of the brave… unless you’re poor, in which case please exit stage left. But if you’ve got a spare million lying around? Congratulations! You can now buy your way into Trump’s gilded America, one autographed dictatorship card at a time.
Because nothing says “constitutional republic” like a pay-to-play immigration system with Dear Leader’s mugshot on it.
🔥 More MAGA Mayhem:
Because nothing says “freedom” like buying a phone that spies on you — but only for Dear Leader.
A fragrance so strong it reeks of corruption, desperation, and Eau de Fascism. Sniff if you dare.
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