Alcatraz 2.0: Trump’s MAGA Prison Island Plans Include Gold Toilets, Fox News in Every Cell

Because nothing says “law and order” like defiling a National Historic Landmark.

Breaking: Trump Proposes Reopening Alcatraz as “Patriot Detention Center”

In a bold new twist on criminal justice reform (read: fascist fever dream), Donald Trump is planning to reopen Alcatraz Island as a federal prison—this time not for mobsters, but for his political enemies, immigrants, protestors, librarians who stock CRT books, and the occasional woke Disney executive.

“We’re gonna make Alcatraz great again—the best prison, folks!” Trump announced while standing in front of a green screen of San Francisco Bay, flanked by cardboard cutouts of Steve Bannon and General Zod. “No more fancy justice. Just ocean views and cold cells for the traitors!”

One Problem: That’s Completely Illegal

Trump’s plan runs afoul of multiple federal laws and protections. Here’s what he’d have to override just to hang his tacky gold nameplate on the prison gates:

1. National Historic Preservation Act of 1966

• Alcatraz is a National Historic Landmark (NHL) and listed in the National Register of Historic Places.
• Under 54 U.S.C. § 306108, any federal project affecting such properties requires a rigorous Section 106 review process—historical impact assessments, public comment, and tribal consultations.

2. National Park Service Organic Act of 1916

• Alcatraz is part of the Golden Gate National Recreation Area, managed by the National Park Service (NPS).
• The Act mandates that parks be preserved “in such manner and by such means as will leave them unimpaired for the enjoyment of future generations.”
• Turning it into a gulag for grievance politics doesn’t exactly scream “unimpaired enjoyment.”

3. Code of Federal Regulations (36 CFR Part 800)

• Any change to historic properties by federal agencies triggers consultation requirements with preservation groups, local governments, and the public.

4. NEPA (National Environmental Policy Act)

• Converting a tourist attraction into a working prison would require an Environmental Impact Statement (EIS) under 42 U.S.C. § 4332, especially given the island’s wildlife, bird sanctuaries, and sewage limitations (yes, sewage).

Also: Who’s Paying For This?

Rehabilitating Alcatraz to modern prison standards would cost hundreds of millions—and the only thing Trump’s team is good at building is unpaid legal bills and pyramid schemes.

Ghosts of Inmates Past Not Amused

Reports from beyond the veil indicate that Al Capone, Robert Stroud (the Birdman), and George “Machine Gun” Kelly are already drafting a class-action haunting lawsuit.

“We were criminals, not cretins,” said a spirit reportedly resembling Capone. “This Trump guy? He’s an insult to racketeering.”

Inside MAGATraz: Leaked Blueprint Highlights

• Fox News piped into every cell, 24/7
• “Melania’s Meals”—a gruel subscription service
• Gold-plated toilets installed by Eric Trump for “vibe”
• Solitary confinement renamed “Truth Social Time”
• Daily re-education sessions on American exceptionalism, conducted by an animatronic Ronald Reagan

Satire Meets Signal Flare

Yes, this is satire. But when a President openly fantasizes about weaponizing a national landmark to jail his opponents, it’s time to stop laughing and start lawyering up.

Because “Alcatraz 2.0” isn’t a plan—it’s a tell. It tells us everything we need to know about where this movement is headed.

And unlike the tides around The Rock, the authoritarian drift isn’t natural. It’s intentional.

And yes—this is really being floated.
On July 17, AG Pam Bondi visited Alcatraz to promote the Trump administration’s supposed plans to reopen it as a federal prison. The stunt, blasted by Rep. Nancy Pelosi as “the stupidest idea ever,” was covered by local media as yet another mix of propaganda, performance, and pure absurdity.
👉 Watch the coverage on ABC7 News

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