TRUMP TO HIJACK ARMY’S 250th BIRTHDAY WITH A GIANT, FLAG-WRAPPED EGO PARADE

Sponsored by Delusion & Diet Coke
By Bob Robertson, Resident Satire Sniper at GOPocalypse Now
Published June 10, 2025

BREAKING: The U.S. Army turns 250 years old this week — and Donald J. Trump, never one to miss an opportunity to crash someone else’s party, has decided the milestone isn’t about the Army, the troops, or American democracy.

It’s about him.

Because it just so happens the Army’s birthday lands on June 14 — also known as Flag Day and, more importantly (in his view), Trump Day. And in true dictator-chic fashion, the former president is planning to hijack the celebration with tanks, troops, and tantrums in what can only be described as a banana republic-themed birthday blowout.

Red, White & Screaming for Attention

This parade isn’t just a “tribute” to the troops. It’s an authoritarian thirst trap. Trump is staging a full-blown military spectacle down Pennsylvania Avenue that screams, “Look at me! I’m still relevant! And I still know how to rent a tank!”

Military flyovers? Check. Camouflage everything? Check. Rumors of a 24-karat-gold reviewing stand shaped like a crown? Probably true. The only thing missing is a flaming chariot pulled by bald eagles.

Trump: From Bone Spurs to Battlefield Barbie

Never forget: this is the man who dodged Vietnam thanks to "bone spurs" so mystical, they were diagnosed by a podiatrist who rented office space from Fred Trump. Now he’s playing five-star general cosplay, waving to crowds from a motorcade like he liberated Normandy with a cheeseburger in each hand.

And just to be clear — this is NOT a military takeover. It just looks, smells, and goose-steps like one.

Enter: The ‘NO KINGS’ Movement – Crashing the Crownfest

But wait — a reckoning is coming.

The No Kings protest movement is organizing nationwide demonstrations on June 14 to remind America that this country was literally founded on not having a king. No crowns. No golden toilets. No 78-year-old strongmen wrapped in a flag and pretending to be Caesar.

Their message?
🪧 We Dumped a King in 1776 — We’re Not Throwing Him a Parade in 2025
🪧 No Kings. No Cults. No Coronations.
🪧 Trump’s Birthday Isn’t a National Holiday. It’s a National Emergency.

From D.C. to L.A., protesters will line the streets and flood social media with democracy’s hottest new accessory: accountability.

Trump Threatens Protesters with “Consequences” — Because Irony Is Dead

In a move so hypocritical it should be declared a controlled substance, Trump is already threatening peaceful protestors with “severe consequences” if they show up. You know, just days after pardoning violent insurrectionists who attacked cops and stormed the Capitol with Confederate flags and zip ties.

Apparently, “law and order” only applies to people with handmade signs and an aversion to authoritarianism.

Final Thought:

This isn’t a parade. It’s a red, white, and bruised ego trip for a man who thinks the Constitution is optional and the military is a prop department.

The Army deserves a celebration. But what they’re getting is a tacky, fascist birthday co-op starring a man who once said soldiers who died in war were “suckers and losers.”

June 14 isn’t just Flag Day anymore. It’s No Kings Day.
See you in the streets.