Trump Sues '60 Minutes' for $20 Billion, Demands Emotional Damages and a Participation Trophy

In what experts are calling “the most expensive tantrum in television history,” Donald J. Trump has filed a $20 billion lawsuit against CBS News, "60 Minutes," and possibly the concept of time itself. The president alleges that CBS deceptively edited an interview with Vice President Kamala Harris in 2024, thereby violating his sacred constitutional right to always be the center of attention.

“It caused me stress, anxiety, and worse—bad ratings on Truth Social,” Trump reportedly said from the gold-plated panic room at Mar-a-Lago.

The Grievance: Editing Is Witchcraft

According to the lawsuit, CBS trimmed Harris’s interview for time, which Trump believes was a “deep fake hit job from the fake news deep state movie people.” The former president insists the interview editing was a personal attack on him, even though—critics noted—he was neither present nor mentioned in the segment.

“Every time they air someone else, it’s defamation,” Trump told reporters, “because it’s airtime I’m not getting. That’s theft.”

The Damages: Priceless Ego, Market Value TBD

Trump is seeking a cool $20 billion—because as his lawyer Edward Paltzik puts it, that’s just “a starting point for the pain of not being interviewed more.” The suit also claims CBS inflicted “mental anguish” on Trump's media company, a condition Trump described as “worse than the time SNL made fun of me and nobody laughed except the audience.”

CBS has responded by releasing the full, unedited transcript of the Harris interview and stating, “We did what every news outlet does—except apparently Fox News during pillow segments.”

The Fallout: CBS Staff Flees Faster Than Interns in an Elevator

Notably, this lawsuit coincided with a pair of dramatic exits at CBS: CEO Wendy McMahon and “60 Minutes” executive producer Bill Owens both quit faster than you can say “First Amendment.”

A source inside CBS (definitely not just a barista with a lanyard) said, “We’re not saying we left because of Trump’s lawsuit, but let’s just say we now understand the phrase ‘emotional labor.’”

Possible Settlements: Cash, Compliments, and Kamala’s Resignation

Reports suggest Trump would consider settling if CBS agrees to:

• Pay him $20 billion in gold-plated MAGA coins
• Rename “60 Minutes” to “Trump Minutes (The Only Ones That Matter)”
• Insert an apology from Kamala Harris at the start of every CBS broadcast
• Give him an honorary Daytime Emmy for “Best Leading Role in Lawsuits”

Shareholders are worried about caving to Trump’s demands. A press freedom group warned that settling might set a precedent where anyone feeling “emotionally harmed by facts” can sue.

“If we settle with Trump,” said one shareholder, “we’ll have to give Elon Musk a weekly segment called ‘Feelings over Facts.’”

The Bigger Picture: Merger Shenanigans and Reality Meltdowns

The lawsuit comes at an awkward time for CBS’s parent company, Paramount Global, which is trying to merge with Skydance Media—a deal that requires government approval. Conveniently, Trump is the government (again), prompting speculation that the lawsuit might be less about legal merit and more about “hostage negotiation disguised as a lawsuit.”

As one lawyer put it:

“It’s like trying to pass a kidney stone by suing the hospital for not bringing you a gold bedpan.”

Conclusion: Stay Tuned for the Spin-Off

While the courts consider the legal merits of the case (spoiler: lol), audiences wait with bated breath for Trump’s next reality show:
“Suing America: The Presidential Revenge Tour.”

Coming soon to a courtroom—or streaming service—near you.

[Disclaimer: This is satire. Trump is really suing CBS, but he hasn’t (yet) requested a daytime Emmy or accused clocks of bias. Probably.]