Trump Claims “No Kings Protests” Are CIA Psy-Ops Funded by Billionaires Who Apparently Need Even More Billions

Nation to Trump: Dude, We Just Don’t Want a Monarch in Spray Tan

In what historians are already calling “the dumbest royal misunderstanding since Burger King declared himself Emperor of Fries,” Donald Trump spent the weekend accusing the “No Kings Protests” of being a CIA-funded Marxist plot to stop him from doing whatever it is kings are not supposed to do.

Millions of Americans took to the streets chanting “No Kings” while holding signs like “1776 Called – It Wants Its Democracy Back” and “Keep Your Golden Throne, I’ll Take a Living Wage.” Protesters say they were motivated by Trump’s ongoing hints that the Constitution is more of a “suggestion packet” than a legal document.

👉 Read our full breakdown of Republican panic over the demonstrations: Republicans Panic Over ‘No Kings Day’

Trump: “The CIA is behind this. They’re jealous of my intelligence.”

During an early-morning Truth Social rant that aides described as “written entirely in crayon,” Trump claimed the CIA organized the demonstrations because “they hate that I have better intel, better hair, and better approval ratings with Russian bots.”

Senator J.D. Vance quickly backed him up, telling CNN it was “entirely possible” the agency coordinated the protests to weaken the monarchy Trump definitely does not have. Vance added that the CIA might also be responsible for gravity, facts, and people reading the news.

Political analysts agreed the claim was “about as credible as a Trump University diploma printed on a Waffle House napkin.”

Protesters Bring the Party

Organizers estimate nearly seven million people participated nationwide. Highlights included:

• Protesters in Washington D.C. carrying inflatable chickens labeled “King Cluck.”
• A man in Texas dressed as George Washington holding a sign that read “I crossed the Delaware for this?”
• Someone in Cleveland leading chants of “USA! No Monarchy Today!” while playing the kazoo version of God Save the Queen.

In New York, one Trump supporter counter-protested with a cardboard crown and a Sharpie sign reading “Make America Feudal Again.” Witnesses say he left early to catch his shift at Chick-fil-A.

Republicans Claim Billionaires Are the Real Victims

House Speaker Mike Johnson condemned the protests, saying “these people hate success and billionaires.” Observers noted the irony given Johnson’s ongoing effort to give billionaires billions more through another round of “trickle-up economics.”

As one protester quipped, “Republicans keep saying they’re putting Americans first. Which Americans? Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos?”

It’s all part of what we’ve documented in The GOP’s War on Truth, Lies, Propaganda, and Democracy’s Collapse– a must-read if you enjoy watching gaslighting turned into a governing philosophy.

White House: It’s All a Joke

Trump later told reporters the protests were “a joke,” adding, “Nobody loves freedom more than me. I give people the freedom to worship me.”

When asked if he saw any contradiction between democracy and monarchy, Trump replied, “I don’t know her.”

CIA spokespeople refused to comment but did roll their eyes so hard that NORAD briefly raised the DEFCON level to “Whatever.”

The Takeaway

The “No Kings Protests” may not dethrone anyone, but they did something rarer. They got Americans to agree that we like elections more than coronations.

As chants echoed across the country, one truth became clear. Democracy might be messy, loud, and occasionally dressed like a T-rex, but it sure beats kneeling to a guy who golfs during national emergencies.

And if you ever wonder why Trump’s base still thinks peaceful protesters are “Antifa super-soldiers,” we’ve already investigated that nonsense in Antifa: The Fake Terrorist Group That Terrifies Real Fascists.