Trump Launches ‘Trump Accounts’ for Babies: Because Nothing Says Financial Security Like Betting Your Kid’s Future on the Stock Market
Trump is giving babies $1,000 “Trump Accounts” to invest in the stock market. Because nothing says infant financial stability like Nasdaq and Goldman Sachs. Capitalism, pacified.

By Bob Robertson, National Satire Correspondent (Currently Investing in Juice Boxes)
WASHINGTON, DC – In what analysts are calling “the weirdest baby shower in American history,” President Donald J. Trump is expected to host a roundtable at the White House Monday to celebrate his latest plan to save the nation: giving every newborn $1,000 and calling it a “Trump Account.”
That’s right. Forget healthcare, parental leave, or affordable daycare—babies are now getting brokerage accounts.
“We’re investing in the children… the right way,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, who reportedly said the phrase “Trump Accounts” so many times during the press briefing that an intern passed out from secondhand branding.
The One Big Beautiful Bill™—yes, that’s really what they’re calling it—contains this newborn Nest Egg clause, because who better to safeguard a baby’s future than hedge funds and Uber executives?
At Monday’s roundtable, executives from Dell, Uber, Salesforce, Goldman Sachs, and Robinhood will pledge billions in baby bucks to their employees' newborns. Because if there’s one thing Goldman Sachs knows, it’s how to handle your money—for a fee.
“This will help kids one day own homes, go to college, or fund their first tech startup before they can legally drink,” said a visibly glowing Michael Dell. “We’re proud to co-parent America’s newborns with President Trump.”
Each account starts with a $1,000 government contribution. Guardians can then add up to $5,000 per year. Or, if they’re lucky, convince Elon Musk to tweet about their toddler’s ETF strategy.
Critics noted that tying a child’s future to market volatility is “basically just a new Hunger Games but with Roth IRAs.” Still, Trump officials dismissed these concerns.
“We’re making America’s babies capitalists from Day One,” said one senior aide, wiping tears of joy with a stock ticker printout. “We want newborns crying out for dividends, not diapers.”
At press time, Trump was reportedly considering placing tiny MAGA hats inside the account welcome packets, alongside a note that reads: “You’re welcome, kid. Try not to go woke.”
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