Trump Launches New Phone Venture: The Perfect Device for People Who Hate Being Monitored… Unless It’s by Trump

In the latest twist nobody asked for, Donald Trump is reportedly jumping into the mobile phone business — because what America really needs right now is a device that combines all the reliability of Truth Social with the subtlety of an air horn.

The phone, part of Trump’s latest “patriotic” tech empire, promises users privacy, security, and — most importantly — the ability to receive endless fundraising texts at 3:00 a.m.

“It’s the most secure phone ever. Beautiful phone. Very private. Even more private than my tax returns,” Trump allegedly said while announcing the launch.

Features You Never Knew You Didn’t Want

Early leaked specs of the “TRUMP PHONE™” include:

• Pre-installed Truth Social app (no delete option)
• 24/7 fundraising alerts: Because who needs sleep when the Republic is at stake (and by Republic, we mean his legal bills)
• Exclusive ringtone: Every call opens with “YMCA” followed by a monologue praising the 2016 election
• Autocorrect replacement: Automatically changes “indicted” to “witch hunt” and “guilty” to “perfect call”
• Voice Assistant ‘IvankAlexa’: Always agrees with you, even when you’re wrong. Especially when you’re wrong.

The Only Phone Approved by Three Dictators and a Pillow Guy

Sources close to the venture say it’s being promoted as “the phone Big Tech doesn’t want you to have.”
Translation: It’s built by whichever discount manufacturer was willing to accept payment in Trump NFTs.

Critics worry the phone might be vulnerable to hacks, but campaign officials insist that hackers won’t bother because even they don’t want access to Don Jr.’s group texts.

A Business Model as Stable as His Genius

Industry experts are skeptical. As one tech analyst said:

“It's a perfect fit for the MAGA audience: low quality, high markup, no refunds.”

Preorders are reportedly being bundled with limited-edition Trump steaks and a coupon for 10% off at Mar-a-Lago’s gift shop (restrictions apply: valid only for gold-tier donors, felony charges pending).