“Happy Birthday, Jeffrey — And May Every Day Be Another Wonderful Secret”: Trump’s Worst Greeting Card Ever
House Democrats released a page from Epstein’s 2003 “birthday book” featuring a cheeky note allegedly signed “Donald.” Trump denies it’s his and sued over coverage. We unpack the receipts—and roast the “wonderful secret” line into charcoal.
Remember when politics was boring and the worst “scandal” was a tan suit? Yeah, me neither. Because today Congress basically opened the country’s most cursed yearbook and found a suggestive birthday message to Jeffrey Epstein allegedly signed by Donald Trump — framed by the outline of a curvy pin-up and wrapped in the kind of line you’d hear from a guy who says “babe” to the bartender: “Happy Birthday — and may every day be another wonderful secret.”Cute! If your brand is “Bond villain who discovered Microsoft WordArt.” AP News
What is this fever dream? It’s a page from Epstein’s 2003 “birthday book,” turned over to the House Oversight Committee as part of a larger document dump from Epstein’s estate. Media outlets published images/descriptions; Democrats posted it online; Washington immediately reached for Purell. Trump says it’s fake and insists he doesn’t draw. (Sir, you literally branded steaks.) Also: he’s suing the Wall Street Journal about its reporting on this note, because nothing says “this is beneath me” like “see you in court.” CBS News
The Online Forensics Department (population: all of Twitter and at least three guys named Randy) immediately started signature-sleuthing—some experts say the lines match Trump’s style, MAGA insists it’s a forgery, and I say: why are we even here? When the debate is “Is that the president’s signature nestled where the… illustration ends?” democracy has already logged off. The Times of India
Here’s the bigger point: For years, Trump world has tried to pretend that any connection to Epstein was a left-wing hallucination — as if Mar-a-Lago banned him for recruiting “young women” and that’s the end of the story, no notes, don’t ask questions. And yet — somehow — this keeps boomeranging back with new documents, new denials, and new lawsuits. Because secrets are like glitter: once they’re out, they’re everywhere, and you’ll be finding them on your reputation for the rest of your life. AP News
Meanwhile, Congress is pushing for full transparency from the Justice Department on Epstein-related records. Good! Sunlight, meet slime. If we’re going to heal anything in this country, we can start by dragging the creeps and their enablers out of the shadows and into the world’s harshest fluorescent lighting. AP News
Bottom line: Whether that scrawl is truly Trump’s or the world’s most unfortunate Sharpie cosplay, the pattern remains: power cozying up to predation, then pretending shock when receipts surface. If this is the kind of “secret” we’re meant to keep “wonderful,” hard pass. I like my birthdays cake-flavored, not court-document-adjacent.
Disclaimer: Trump denies writing or signing the note, and authenticity is disputed. He has filed a lawsuit over related reporting.
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