Trump Declares War on Foreign Metal, Demands US Steel be Made Only from American Bald Eagle Tears

In a dazzling display of economic nationalism, nostalgia, and completely invented supply chain expertise, former President Donald J. Trump has once again taken a hammer (possibly gold-plated, definitely Made in China) to the global steel market — this time demanding that the United States block the sale of U.S. Steel to Nippon Steel of Japan.

Because nothing screams “small government” quite like demanding government intervention in a private business transaction.

Standing in front of a lectern adorned with both the American flag and what appeared to be a family-sized bottle of self-tanner, Trump thundered, “We’re not letting Japan take U.S. Steel. That’s like letting France buy the Statue of Liberty. Or worse—Canada buying Florida!”

(Note: Several aides later confirmed that Florida is, in fact, not for sale. Yet.)

Trump continued, “They’re gonna change the name! Pretty soon you’ll be driving on Nippon Highways and drinking Freedom Sake!”

This bold pronouncement came despite the fact that U.S. Steel is… already publicly traded. And its board voluntarily agreed to the deal. And also despite the fact that Trump, noted champion of capitalism, has previously been confused about the difference between hostile takeovers and adult Happy Meals.

Trump’s deep concern about foreign ownership comes as a surprise to those familiar with his business history — particularly the many foreign investors, Russian oligarchs, and mystery LLCs who once funded his golf courses, hotels, and, allegedly, some of his legal bills. (Those same entities have since written off their investments under “charitable losses.”)

US Steel: Now 63% More Patriotic if You Squint Hard Enough

When pressed for specifics about how he would stop the sale, Trump suggested invoking “Section 34D of the Bigly Industrial Act,” a law that exists only in his head. Aides scrambled to Google it, but instead were redirected to a Wikipedia page for Monopoly rules and a pop-up ad for gold coins shaped like the Constitution.

“We’re gonna make steel like we used to,” Trump insisted. “Real American steel, smelted by coal miners in denim overalls while Toby Keith plays in the background.”

In a statement released shortly after Trump’s rally, Nippon Steel replied with the diplomatic equivalent of a sigh. “We believe in a mutually beneficial partnership,” the statement read, “and also in not yelling into microphones at diners in Scranton.”

Biden Responds with… Meh

The Biden administration, which previously pledged to review the acquisition, responded to Trump’s comments by quietly turning down the volume on CNN and sighing deeply into a cup of chamomile tea.

An unnamed White House official offered this: “We appreciate the former president’s passionate concern for U.S. industry. We just wish he had discovered it before outsourcing his branded ties, steaks, and universities.”

Closing Thoughts: Nippon Now, Pay Later

In the end, this is more than just a hostile takeover of a steel company — it’s a hostile takeover of reality. Trump has cast himself as a steely patriot defending American metallurgy from foreign intrusion, even as the global market quietly rolls its eyes and continues doing business.

Because, as every economist knows, nothing fortifies a modern industrial economy like paranoia, outdated protectionism, and campaign rallies masquerading as policy.