Tariffs, Tiaras & Theocracy: Trump’s Cabinet Meeting Was a Cringe Renaissance

In today’s episode of “The Real Houseguests of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue,” President Trump gathered his Cabinet for what was supposed to be a policy discussion—but quickly devolved into a surrealist performance art piece somewhere between The Apprentice and Hoarders: Dictator Edition.

From antique theft to dollar diplomacy to spiritual electioneering, Trump offered America an accidental masterclass in how to turn governing into a tacky showroom of authoritarian chic. So let’s break down today’s Orwellian open house.

“If I See It, I Take It”: Trump Turns the White House into a HomeGoods

Instead of talking about the economy or, you know, laws, Trump opened the Cabinet meeting by sharing his latest HGTV fever dream. He’s been busy redecorating the White House—because nothing says “fiscal responsibility” like adding more gold trim during a possible recession.

“I’m a frame person,” Trump said, staring longingly at the gaudy portraits of real presidents. “Sometimes I like the frames more than the pictures.”

Translation: Trump loves the trappings of power more than actual governance. Who’s surprised?

Also, he moved a grandfather clock from the State Department to the White House. “If I see anything that I like, I’m allowed to take it,” he declared—channeling the spirit of a spoiled toddler in a Pottery Barn.

Separation of Church and What Now?

In a plot twist nobody asked for, the IRS just greenlit a quiet gutting of the Johnson Amendment, the rule that kept pastors from turning Sunday sermons into Fox News auditions. That’s right—your local megachurch can now legally tell you to vote for Trump from the pulpit, and still not pay taxes.

So when Pastor Chad starts calling Biden “The Beast of Revelation” this Sunday, just know Uncle Sam is picking up the tab for his tax-exempt holy war.

Trump vs. Wind: Still Blowing Hot Air

Trump continued his vendetta against wind—yes, the natural phenomenon.

“Wind is bad for beautiful surroundings,” he explained, confusing renewable energy with… ugly lawn ornaments?

He also claimed wind power was inefficient because it doesn’t blow all the time. Unlike him, who never stops blowing—hot air, that is. Meanwhile, coal is apparently making a comeback in the same way MySpace is. “Smart countries don’t use wind,” he said, citing absolutely no one.

Tariff Tantrums: Now With 200% More Delusion

Trump, who thinks economic strategy is just yelling numbers until people stop asking questions, announced a 50% tax on copper imports and a 200% tariff on pharmaceutical drugs.

Yes, medicine. Because nothing screams "America First" like jacking up insulin prices.

This is the same guy who keeps promising manufacturing jobs while manufacturers keep... bleeding jobs. The only thing he's managed to manufacture is chaos.

Trump Weighs In on NYC Election—Then Says He’s “Not Getting Involved”

Asked about the upcoming New York City mayoral election, Trump claimed he’s staying out of it. Moments later, he called Democratic nominee Zohran Mamdani a “disaster” and threatened a federal takeover of NYC if Mamdani wins.

Also, he shaded Republican candidate Curtis Sliwa, who apparently “runs every four years,” and reminded everyone that Eric Adams is running as an independent. But sure, he’s not getting involved.

This is like showing up to a wedding, trashing the bride, insulting the groom, throwing cake at the flower girl—and then whispering, “I’m just here to observe.”

Dollar Diplomacy: Trump vs. BRICS

Trump wrapped up his Cabinet cabaret with a warning shot at BRICS nations (Brazil, Russia, India, China, South Africa): if they dare challenge the U.S. dollar’s global dominance, he’ll slap them with a 10% tariff.

“Losing the dollar would be like losing a major world war,” Trump said, clearly confusing exchange rates with D-Day.

He also said Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell should “resign immediately” and is fine with a congressional investigation into the Fed. Powell’s crime? Not cutting interest rates fast enough to cover for Trump’s inflationary trade war cosplay.

Final Thoughts: Is It a Cabinet Meeting or a Stand-Up Special?

Today’s Cabinet meeting felt like a fever dream wrapped in velvet wallpaper, dipped in gold leaf, and topped with a Red Bull-fueled monologue by a man who confuses governance with garage sale acquisitions.

While the rest of us worry about rising prices, authoritarian creep, and the future of democracy, Trump is out here choosing paint swatches and throwing shade at wind.

But hey—at least the grandfather clock has a nice view now.