Trader Joe’s and Smucker’s Face Off in Historic “Uncrustables Justice” Lawsuit: America’s PB&J Civil War Begins

By GOPocalypse Now Staff

(Because nothing says capitalism like suing over sandwiches)

In a shocking development that has rocked the lunchbox industrial complex, J.M. Smucker Co., the proud manufacturer of America’s most aggressively sealed sandwich, Uncrustables... has filed a lawsuit accusing Trader Joe’s of creating an “infringing knockoff.”

That’s right: the great American promise of bread, peanut butter, and jam has become the latest casualty of corporate warfare. Legal experts are calling it the most important crust-related case since Pillsbury v. Nature.

“Smucker’s spent decades perfecting the art of mass-produced nostalgia,” said one analyst. “Now Trader Joe’s wants to give that nostalgia free-range ingredients and a pretentious name like "Artisanal De-Crusted Nut Spread Assemblage."

A Nation Divided by Crust

Across the country, consumers are taking sides.

• Team Smucker’s argues that only a billion-dollar conglomerate should have the right to industrially choke a sandwich in dough.
• Team Trader Joe’s insists their version is “organic, cruelty-free, and emotionally available.”

The case could determine who legally owns the concept of “bread circles for lazy parents,” and possibly the fate of all future kindergarten lunches.

The Real Victims: The Crusts

Meanwhile, discarded crusts nationwide have announced plans to unionize, demanding fair representation and a seat at the table — though preferably one not sticky with grape jelly.

As of press time, both corporations had released statements:

• Smucker’s promised to “defend the integrity of the Uncrustable brand with all available legal and preservative means.”
• Trader Joe’s countered by launching a new product called “Almost Legal Sandwich Rounds™,” priced at $4.99 per emotionally-available box.

Editor’s Note:

We know, we know... this isn’t our usual political dumpster fire. But honestly, America’s been one long stress test for democracy, and we needed a break. So instead of doomscrolling another fascist headline, we decided to cover something lighter: two corporations suing each other over sealed bread.

Because if we’re going to watch a battle for the soul of the nation, it might as well involve peanut butter.

Disclaimer: This is satire. No sandwiches were harmed in the making of this article (though several egos were lightly toasted).