The Great American Anti-Coronation: Trump Throws Himself a Parade, America Throws Him Shade

By: Rob Yanes
Amateur King-Slayer, Full-Time Satirist, Part-Time Thorn in Trump’s Side

June 14th, 2025: the day America reminded Donald Trump that while he may crave a crown, the rest of us still prefer baseball caps, protest signs, and functioning democracies.

While Trump marked his 79th birthday by rolling tanks through D.C. like a toddler showing off his new Tonka trucks, millions of Americans across more than 2,000 cities gave him the perfect un-birthday gift: a peaceful, gigantic, coast-to-coast “No Kings” party.

📍 The Scene:

• In Houston, thousands peacefully rallied—including veterans, immigrants, students, and even a few very confused MAGA grandparents who thought it was a Golden Corral grand opening. 🇺🇸
• In Denver, signs reading “No Kings, No Crowns, Just Voters” mixed with rainbow flags and well-behaved golden retrievers. 🏳️‍🌈🐕
• In Charlotte, the vibe was 100% civil, 0% Civil War, as citizens politely reminded Trump that “monarchies are so 1775.” 👑🚫
• Even Beaumont, TX—where the summer heat normally protests itself—saw hundreds gather, peacefully sweating for democracy. 🌡️

🏰 Meanwhile… in Trump’s Fantasy Kingdom:

• $40+ million of taxpayer money vaporized on tanks, fighter jets, and parade floats that screamed, “Please love me, Daddy Washington.”
• Attendance was… let’s call it intimate. It turns out the only thing emptier than Trump’s moral compass is his parade bleachers.
• The crowd was mostly composed of tourists, confused joggers, and a few dozen diehards clutching “TRUMP 47” signs like security blankets.
• Even the flyover jets seemed embarrassed. One allegedly tried to divert to Canada halfway through. ✈️🍁

🎯 BONUS TWIST: The Great Crowd Size Mirage

Of course, Trump—never one to let facts ruin a good fantasy—took to Truth Social claiming “the biggest birthday celebration in American history!”

Reality?
Roughly 100,000 showed up (many of them by accident or for the funnel cakes). The VIP stands were half-empty. The bleachers? Spotty. Even the porta-potties saw more traffic than the parade route.

One eyewitness called it:

“A cross between a sad Fourth of July parade and a retirement community pancake breakfast — but with tanks.”

The Secret Service originally estimated up to 200,000 attendees. Afterward, they quietly updated their estimate to:

"That was... optimistic."

📝 America’s RSVP:

✔ Attended the protests
✔ Brought the peaceful signs
✔ Left the pitchforks at home
✔ Delivered a giant, collective:
“Thanks, but no thanks, Your Highness.”

The Bottom Line:

Trump wanted a coronation; America gave him a constitution.
He threw himself a parade; we threw him the largest, most polite rejection notice in modern history.
No violence. No riots. Just millions of Americans showing up to say:

“Sit down, Don. We dumped one king in 1776 — we’re not shopping for a replacement.”