Texas Secedes, Instantly Declares Bankruptcy, Blames Drag Queens

A bold new chapter in American dysfunction began today as Texas officially seceded from the United States—then promptly filed for bankruptcy, melted its own power grid, and blamed the entire thing on drag queens.

After months of chest-thumping, gun-waving, and historical misquoting, Governor Greg Abbott triumphantly announced:

“Texas is finally free from federal tyranny. We’ll stand tall, independent, and 97% unprepared for basic governance.”

Introducing Lone Bucks™: The Currency No One Asked For

Texas unveiled its new national currency: the Lone Buck, printed exclusively at Hobby Lobby and backed by barbecue sauce, gold-painted bullets, and Joe Rogan’s podcast ratings.

Unfortunately, within 12 hours:

• Inflation hit 9,000%
• The exchange rate dropped to 1 Lone Buck = 3 expired Whataburger coupons
• And someone tried to Venmo Mexico for oil

Whataburger Declared National Bank

In a bold economic move, Whataburger was rebranded as the Central Bank of Texas. Deposits are accepted in cash, cattle, or brisket.
Banking services now include:

• Checking (if the fry cook shows up)
• Savings (not available)
• Bacon Loans (apply during breakfast hours only)

The Power Grid Failed (Again)

In keeping with Texas tradition, the power grid collapsed under the stress of celebratory fireworks and “free market energy pricing.” Texans were advised to:

• Use prayer as a backup generator
• “Rub two bootstraps together” for heat
• Or move to Oklahoma (now ironically more stable)

The Constitution of Texit

The newly drafted Texit Constitution includes:

• Mandatory open carry at brunch
• Churches as polling places, schools, and strip malls
• Bans on critical race theory, electric vehicles, and common sense
• Citizenship tests that include a brisket cook-off

The Blame Game: Drag Queens at Fault

When questioned about the collapse of the economy, health system, and infrastructure, Texas officials released a statement:

“It’s the drag queens. Clearly.”
A subsequent press conference featured a slideshow of rhinestones, wigs, and zero data.

Meanwhile, Ted Cruz Flees (Again)

Senator Cruz was last seen booking a flight to Cancún—this time disguised as a mariachi trumpet.

Final Thoughts

Texit lasted slightly longer than Liz Truss as U.K. Prime Minister, but shorter than a TikTok trend.
The rest of the U.S. is expected to welcome Texas back once it finishes charging its phone and apologizing to Beyoncé.

📞 BREAKING: Texans now applying for asylum in California

They've agreed to surrender their Yeti coolers and convert at least one truck into a compost bin.