RFK Jr. & Malone Propose Replacing CDC Vaccine Committee with Facebook Comment Section

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move that absolutely nobody in the medical community asked for, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and his trusted anti-vaccine advisor Dr. Robert Malone have proposed that the CDC’s Vaccine Advisory Committee be either “overhauled” or outright eliminated — you know, for freedom.

Malone, who describes himself as the “inventor of mRNA technology” (while 99% of actual mRNA researchers politely scream into a pillow), claims that the advisory panel is part of a vast government cover-up responsible for all of America’s problems: from COVID vaccine rollouts to why your WiFi occasionally sucks.

“We’re simply asking questions,” Malone told absolutely every right-wing podcast host willing to listen. “Like, why are we listening to scientists when we could listen to Facebook moms, YouTube influencers, and former reality TV stars?”

RFK Jr., running a campaign that appears to be entirely powered by expired ivermectin and Joe Rogan guest appearances, insists that the CDC’s advisory board needs “accountability.” This is presumably code for “replacing credentialed epidemiologists with people who sell supplements and crystals online.”

🔬 Vaccine Science? Who Needs It!

Under the proposed changes, the Vaccine Advisory Committee would be replaced by a more “democratic” process where anyone with a strong opinion, a viral Facebook reel, or a Substack account could participate. The scientific method would be replaced by “vibing.”

When asked who might serve on this new committee, Malone suggested the following shortlist:

• Joe Rogan
• Aaron Rodgers
• Elon Musk’s Twitter poll results
• A golden retriever who reacts badly to peanut butter
• That one uncle from Thanksgiving

🔒 Public Health Experts React Poorly, But Politely

Actual doctors, scientists, and people who managed to pass high school biology were less enthusiastic about the idea. The CDC quietly responded by updating its website FAQ to read simply:

“Oh for f***’s sake. Again?”

One virologist, speaking on condition of anonymity, simply said: “At this point, RFK Jr. and Malone’s healthcare policies are indistinguishable from an episode of South Park.”