RFK Jr. Launches ‘Make America Healthy Again’ — Now with 100% More Raw Milk and AI-Generated Science!

In what experts are calling "a bold leap into wellness... and maybe legal liability," Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has launched his new public health campaign: Make America Healthy Again (MAHA).

He kicked off the initiative with the only logical choice: a raw milk toast in front of reporters, flanked by “carnivore influencer” Dr. Paul Saladino, a man whose daily food pyramid is just a ribeye and an Instagram ring light.

Science, But Like, Vibes-Based

The MAHA “blueprint,” a 72-page document allegedly written by humans, has raised eyebrows, mostly due to citations that appear to be hallucinated by ChatGPT on mushrooms. One footnote references a study by "Dr. Sage Broccoli" in the Journal of Quantum Cleanse, and another links to a meditation playlist.

When asked about the errors, a Kennedy spokesperson said, “The report is energetically accurate, even if the numbers are, like, metaphorical.”

Highlights of MAHA’s Revolutionary Plan:

• Ban artificial dyes unless they come from organic amethyst
• Replace childhood vaccines with sunlight exposure and bone broth hugs
• National barefoot awareness week (“To reconnect with the Earth’s microbiome”)
• Incentivize “soil-based behavior therapy” for children who fidget in math class
• Label pharmaceutical companies as “Big Scary Energy”

Kennedy emphasized that Americans are “toxic, inflamed, and enslaved by gluten,” and the only path forward is a return to primal wellness—guided by wellness influencers with verified TikTok accounts and absolutely no formal education.

MAHA Moms Unite

Supporters include a new group called “MAHA Moms”, which boasts 14,000 members and exactly zero pediatricians. Their demands include:

• A nationwide seed swap
• Replacing all cafeteria menus with fermented mushroom patties
• Congressional hearings on “evil lettuce”

When asked what they’d do about measles, one member replied, “We’re manifesting herd immunity with crystals.”

Meanwhile, Actual Experts Are Screaming into Pillows

Medical professionals responded by issuing a joint statement that simply read, “Please send help.”

One epidemiologist, after reviewing the report, was last seen walking into the ocean whispering, “I did eight years of medical school for this.”

📢 Disclaimer:

This is a work of satire. Any resemblance to real events, people, policies, or supplements sold in mason jars is purely coincidental… except when it’s not.