“President Trump Declares War on Holidays: Juneteenth ‘Too Expensive,’ Suggests Americans Celebrate Emancipation While Working Overtime”

Washington, D.C. — In a presidential statement sure to warm the hearts of billionaires and corporate lobbyists everywhere, President Donald J. Trump marked this year’s Juneteenth not by honoring the historic end of slavery, but by declaring America has “way too many non-working holidays.”

“We’re losing BILLIONS, folks,” Trump tweeted early Wednesday. “Too many days off. Too many people not working. We can’t keep shutting down the economy for these feel-good holidays. Juneteenth? Nice idea, but let’s be honest—slavery ended a long time ago. Isn’t it time to get back to work?”

The statement, released while Air Force One was refueling at a private golf resort in Bedminster, immediately sparked backlash—particularly from people who understand history, empathy, or irony.

But Trump doubled down:

“Look, I love freedom. Nobody loves freedom more than me. But we need to be free to work, not free to stay home and barbecue all day. I call it PATRIOTIC PRODUCTIVITY.”

The “Worker President” Strikes Again

Known for his tireless commitment to the working class—from tax cuts for the ultra-rich to gutting workplace protections—Trump insisted that federal holidays like Juneteenth, Labor Day, and even Memorial Day are “luxuries” that the economy just “can’t afford.”

“You don’t win trade wars by taking naps,” he said from a golf cart. “You think China is taking Juneteenth off? I don’t think so.”

The White House is reportedly reviewing all federal holidays with plans to potentially consolidate them into a new national observance: “Work More Week,” a 7-day tribute to American grit, grit, and more grit.

Under the proposal, Christmas and Independence Day would be observed on the same date—July 4.25th—with a “Trump Family Fireworks Extravaganza” sponsored by MyPillow and the ghost of Andrew Jackson.

A Juneteenth Message, From a Man Who Once Called Frederick Douglass “An Up-and-Comer”

When pressed about the significance of Juneteenth, the President clarified:

“I’ve always said slavery was bad. Terrible. Nobody’s more anti-slavery than me. But nobody’s talking about how bad the economy was for plantation owners, okay? Let’s be fair.”

He added that he “might” issue a commemorative Juneteenth coin featuring himself freeing the slaves. “It’ll be beautiful. I’ll look very heroic. It’ll sell great.”

Economics from the Guy Who Thinks Bankruptcy Is a Strategy

While economists pointed out that federal holidays generate billions in spending and stimulate local economies, Trump maintained that “only losers take days off,” citing no evidence whatsoever.

“The best thing we can do for this country is cut all holidays, boost productivity, and give CEOs the breathing room they need to finally afford that third yacht,” he said. “The working class will love it. They tell me this all the time. Probably.”

Trump’s “Hustle Harder” bill is reportedly being drafted now, rumored to include a requirement that all citizens log 60 hours per week unless they can prove they were born in a tax bracket above $10 million.

Editorial Note: This is a satire. If you’re reading this and thinking, “This sounds way too close to what he might actually say,” well… that’s not our fault.

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