Trump Declares National Emergency Over NYC Democrat He Just Learned Exists

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — JUNE 25, 2025
President Donald J. Trump, leader of the free-ish world and unofficial spokesman for rage tweeting at 3 a.m., has declared a national emergency after discovering that Zorhan Mamdani, a progressive New Yorker with a spine and a non-orange hue, won the Democratic primary for NYC mayor.

In an official statement released via Truth Social — which is to facts what Velveeta is to cheese — President Trump warned that Mamdani is a “100% Communist Lunatic” with a “grating voice,” “no smarts,” and the unholy backing of AOC+3, which experts believe may either be a girl group or the number of indictments Trump is pretending don’t exist.

🧻 PANIC IN THE WEST WING

Insiders report the White House has been in chaos since the Mamdani news broke. Trump allegedly screamed, “NOT ANOTHER ONE!” before attempting to Sharpie Mamdani’s name out of a New York City map and replace it with “Eric Trump (Mayor for Life).”

Meanwhile, aides were seen Googling “Can we drone strike City Hall?” and “What rhymes with Mamdani?” to help the president draft new insults.

🧑‍🎤 THE REAL THREAT: A FUNCTIONING ADULT

Zorhan Mamdani, a calm, policy-driven assemblyman and apparent trigger for authoritarian meltdowns, has not responded to Trump’s outburst — mostly because he’s too busy doing things like “governing” and “not being under 91 felony indictments.”

Trump, however, doubled down, suggesting the Democrats nominate Jasmine Crockett for President, AOC for Vice President, and round out the Cabinet with what he called “Dummies ALL.” This, of course, is still a more coherent and qualified ticket than anything the GOP has assembled since Eisenhower.

📉 LEADERSHIP BY CAPS LOCK

Trump’s post included several capitalized threats, one spontaneous conspiracy theory, and at least two full sentences that linguists have declared “technically English but emotionally unstable.” Critics say the president is “panicking over the idea of competent governance,” while supporters say, “LOOK, A BALLOON!”

📦 IN CONCLUSION

Zorhan Mamdani won a local primary. Trump declared it a national crisis. Somewhere in Mar-a-Lago, a cheeseburger weeps in fear.

Stay tuned — next week the president might ban NPR, prosecute almond milk, and declare AOC an international terrorist for owning a passport.

🧼 Want more dark political comedy and dystopian déjà vu? Visit GOPocalypse-Now.com — because satire is the only thing left that hasn’t been subpoenaed.