Plungers, Pride, and Pretzels: A Nation Debates Who's Allowed to Fix the Sink

BREAKING: According to the White House Press Secretary, what America really needs right now isn’t educated citizens, or equal rights, or—God forbid—a graduate with both a degree and glitter. No, friends. We need plumbers. And electricians. But not Harvard’s LGBT graduates. Apparently, soldering wires and embracing queerness are now mutually exclusive.

Let’s dive into this very important national conversation, armed with nothing but sarcasm, shame, and a pipe wrench.

Can’t a Gay Electrician Just Fix the Damn Light?

Picture it: your house loses power. You frantically call for help. A figure arrives, toolbox in one hand, Pride patch on the overalls. Gasp!

“Sorry,” says the Press Secretary from inside your wall, “this one knows what a pronoun is. You're on your own.”

Because clearly, America’s infrastructure is threatened not by aging pipes or outdated grids, but by the specter of educated people who also went to a drag brunch once.

Harvard Degree? Not If You’re Fabulous

Apparently, a Harvard grad can invent AI, lead Fortune 500 companies, or win a Pulitzer—but if they happen to be LGBT? Disqualified. That plumbing union you were hoping to join? Sorry. Your resume smells faintly of equality.

Let’s be clear: no one is knocking the trades. The trades are essential. But when someone says “we need more electricians” and follows it with “not those graduates,” it stops being a labor shortage solution and starts sounding like an excuse to bully someone with better eyebrows.

Imagine the Commercial:

“Hi, I’m Rick. I’ve been fixing toilets for 12 years. But ever since I mentioned I listen to Lady Gaga, I’ve been blacklisted. Please hire me anyway.”

NEWSFLASH: Queer People Use Tools Too

You can be a plumber and still understand gender identity. You can wire a house and also attend a queer poetry reading. What’s next? Banning LGBTQ+ people from HVAC repair unless they recite the Pledge of Allegiance first?

The Real Problem

Maybe the issue isn’t Harvard. Maybe it’s not LGBT folks. Maybe—just maybe—it’s the people in power who think plumbing and queerness are somehow mutually exclusive. Who frame blue-collar work as a weapon against inclusivity. Who forget that people can actually be both.

So yes, we need plumbers. Yes, we need electricians. And if they happen to know what “cishet” means? That’s not a threat to America. That’s just someone who can fix your sink and correct your pronouns. Two birds, one fabulous wrench.

Final Thoughts:

Dear White House:
We’ll take the gay electrician, the trans pipefitter, the nonbinary welder, and the lesbian Harvard grad who can do your taxes, hang drywall, and still show up to vote.

Because the future isn’t either/or. It’s both/and.
And frankly, your logic is leaking harder than my dishwasher.