Pentagon Confirms Secret Plan to Invade Greenland — Because Apparently, That’s a Thing Now

Filed under: You literally can’t make this sht up.*

In today’s episode of America: The Unscripted Reality Show, the Pentagon casually revealed that, yes, they do have contingency plans to invade... wait for it... Greenland.

Yes, that Greenland. The ice-covered Danish territory best known for polar bears, climate change documentaries, and Donald Trump trying to buy it like it was a beachfront foreclosure in Florida.

“We Plan for Everything.”

At a recent congressional hearing, Trump’s loyal Secretary of Defense, Pete Hegseth, basically admitted the Pentagon has plans to invade Greenlandjust in case. In his words:

"We plan for any potential contingency. That includes everything from Greenland to Panama."

Because, of course, when we think “national security threats,” the first place that comes to mind is Greenland. Forget Russia, China, or North Korea — it's those sinister icebergs and happy Danish citizens we’ve really got to watch.

Congress: "You have got to be kidding."

Rep. Mike Turner (R-shocked) summed up the mood perfectly:

“I sure as hell hope that is not your testimony.”

But alas, it was. And here we are.

The Family Signal Chat Debacle

Oh, but the show wasn’t over.

It turns out Hegseth also thought it was perfectly reasonable to discuss classified military strike options on his family Signal chat — you know, that secure channel between him, Mom, and Uncle Bob.

"Hey fam, pass the mashed potatoes. Also, here’s our strike plan for Iran."

Nothing says national security like mixing dinner plans with potential global conflicts. Congress is now investigating, because apparently “OPSEC” wasn’t in Hegseth’s training manual.

Democrats Melt Down. Republicans Pretend They’re Not Home.

Rep. Salud Carbajal (D-California) couldn’t hold back:

"You should just get the hell out!"

Meanwhile, most Republicans suddenly discovered the emergency exits, pretending not to hear any of this while checking the latest polling data.

So... Greenland?

You know it’s bad when the international response was basically the Danish foreign minister pouring a strong drink and mumbling, “Not this shit again.”

Greenland remains blissfully icy, while the rest of us try to process that we’ve apparently got battle plans for every country — and maybe the moon — just waiting in a Pentagon filing cabinet somewhere.

TLDR Summary:

• Pentagon admits having invasion plans for Greenland.
• Hegseth leaks military strike plans to the family Signal group chat.
• Congress loses its collective mind.
• America gains yet another entry in the Encyclopedia of WTF.

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