Midnight Hammered: Trump Bombs Iran, Claims Victory, Misses Everything.

by: Bob Robertson Published at: GOPocalypse-Now.com

“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.”

— Ambrose Bierce

There’s a special kind of art to starting a war and declaring victory before anyone checks the scoreboard. Like a toddler flinging mashed peas and then proudly announcing they’ve made soup. This, dear readers, is exactly what happened when President Convicted Felon launched Operation Midnight Hammer — a name that sounds more like a bad cologne than a military campaign.

According to the administration (and Pete Hegseth, who might actually be the first man to suffer a traumatic brain injury from reading a book), the mission was a “resounding success.” We dropped a bunch of MOABs, which apparently stands for Misdirected Ordnance And Bluster. Iran, being the party poopers they are, moved their nuclear gear on Friday — because Captain Ketchup Hair told everyone we were attacking on Sunday.

That’s right: the U.S. leaked the war plans like a dollar-store diaper, and Iran, in an uncharacteristic act of common sense, relocated their weapons. So what did we bomb? Sand. Majestic, golden, definitely-terrorist sand.

The crown jewel target, the Kurdo facility, is built 200 feet underground, wrapped in four feet of reinforced concrete. The MOABs — which lack propulsion, accuracy, and apparently logic — landed somewhere. Pete says 28 to 30 of them were used. This is not a range; this is a cry for help.

Meanwhile, Google Maps is just sitting there like: “Nope. Still there. Zoom in. Enhance. Still there.”

Mossad isn’t talking, likely because you can’t make satellite calls from an Iranian bunker without lighting yourself up like a Hanukkah candle. CENTCOM gave no briefings. Pete gave no evidence. Trump gave himself a gold star and called it the most perfect bombing anyone’s ever seen. (He probably also believes the Kurdo base is just a Persian branch of Bed, Bath & Beyond.)

And then there's Marco Rubio — freshly hair-dyed and apparently reborn as an animatronic backup dancer at Mar-a-Lago. He too praised the “mission,” though we’re not sure he could find Tehran without Google spelling it phonetically.

Let’s talk damage: Iran says 270 people were killed — tragic and unnecessary. But zero nuclear facilities hit. No entrances collapsed. No chain reactions. Just craters, sand, and a fresh batch of international outrage.

And of course, Congress learned about the attack after the B-1s were airborne. Unconstitutional? Yes. Impeachable? Technically. But in modern America, unless you rob a Walgreens while poor, no one really enforces laws.

Supreme Court? Sorry — too busy polishing the presidential immunity plaque and deciding if the Constitution still applies to non-billionaires. (Spoiler: it doesn’t.)

Iran, naturally, voted to close the Strait of Hormuz — the maritime equivalent of saying, “Touch my oil tankers and find out.” Our ships can detect threats, but Iran only needs to be right once. The revenge is coming. It always does. Likely aimed at Israel, giving Netanyahu — who fears prison more than he fears moral clarity — the perfect excuse to rally his base from behind bars or an Iron Dome.

And if you think this ends here, bless your heart. Pakistan’s already on deck with party favors for Iran’s nuke program. The next detonation won’t be metaphorical.

This wasn’t a war. It was a press stunt with body bags. Trump gets to puff out his chest, Hegseth gets another Fox hit, and the rest of us get to hold our collective breath while hoping this ends with fewer craters and fewer corpses.

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