Land of the Free (if Your Instagram Is Public)

WASHINGTON — In a bold new step to protect freedom and democracy, the U.S. State Department announced it now requires all visa applicants to provide every social media handle from the past five years—plus a promise to set all profiles to "public" so consular officers can assess whether your cousin’s birthday TikTok is a national security threat.

The new policy, dubbed “Operation: Stalk Me Maybe,” was designed to ensure that prospective students and exchange visitors aren’t harboring radical ideas like “free healthcare,” “gender neutrality,” or worse—“unfiltered opinions.”

“We don’t want any surprises,” said U.S. Visa Security Czar Brenda Gutcheck. “If you’re going to enter America, we want to know your Hogwarts house, your stance on pineapple pizza, and whether you liked that one thirst trap photo from 2022. National security is at stake.”

The move follows a shocking revelation that some previous visa holders once used the 😏 emoji without clarifying their intentions.

“Honestly, if you’re not brave enough to let us see your drunk tweets from 2019, do you really believe in the Constitution?” added Gutcheck, while scrolling through a visa applicant’s Tumblr from high school.

Applicants are also encouraged to retroactively caption all Instagram photos to clarify context.

“Is this photo from a protest or a Coachella-themed brunch?” one visa officer wrote in a recent rejection letter.
“We can’t risk it.”

In addition, those seeking to study in the U.S. must also provide:

• A spreadsheet of all previous profile picture changes
• Any deleted tweets about airport food
• A five-page essay titled: “What I Meant by ‘LOL this country is wild’ in 2021”

The Department is considering expanding the requirement to include:

• BeReal check-ins
• Discord usernames
• And “vibes” detected from Spotify playlists.

Civil liberties groups voiced mild concern before realizing they were already being monitored. "Honestly," one ACLU rep sighed, "we just hope they like our tweets before they flag us."

When asked whether the government was overreaching, a State Department spokesperson replied, “No no, we’re not looking for red flags—we just want to get to know you. Like friends. The kind who reject your visa if your FYP is too leftist.”

At press time, Canadian border guards were seen laughing and saying, “You poor bastards,” while watching TikToks in private mode.

Call to Action (Satirical):
🇺🇸 Planning to study in the U.S.? Better start scrubbing your social history—because freedom ain’t free, and apparently, it comes with a Terms of Service agreement.

Want more biting satire and dystopian déjà vu?
Visit GOPocalypse-now.com — because reality isn’t funny enough.