Trump’s New Dating App? ICE-Ex™: Swipe Left, Then Deport
❤️ Love Hurts. But Deportation Hurts More!
Need help getting over your ex?
Therapy too expensive? Closure not your thing?
Well good news, America—the Trump administration has a hotline for that.
Last week, Florida Attorney General James Uthmeier took to X (formerly Twitter, now Elon’s rage journal) to promote a totally normal and not-at-all-fascist solution for handling your romantic baggage:
“If your ex is in this country illegally, please feel free to reach out to our office. We’d be happy to assist.”
—James Uthmeier, Florida’s Top Deporter of Broken Hearts
You read that right. The new MAGA-approved method of coping with relationship trauma is to call ICE on your ex. Because nothing says emotional maturity like weaponizing the federal government over a bad breakup.
From Domestic Abuser to Deported Loser™ — Now with Free Mugshots!
Naturally, DHS couldn’t help but jump in with a slogan that feels like it was pulled straight out of a Fox Nation ad pitch:
“From domestic abuser to deported loser.”
—Department of Homeland Security, 2025™
They even included the ICE tip line.
Because what could possibly go wrong with encouraging people to anonymously report exes to immigration authorities during emotionally volatile periods? Surely no one will abuse that, right?
Spoiler: everyone will.
ICE, ICE Baby: The Official Breakup Hotline of the Trump Era
Let’s be clear—actual victims of domestic violence deserve safety, justice, and support. But this?
This is a dystopian crossover between The Purge and 90 Day Fiancé.
Under Trump 2.0, everything is a weapon:
- The Justice Department? Weaponized.
- The EPA? Deregulated.
- ICE? Now available in the App Store under “Petty Vengeance & Chill.”
At this rate, it’s only a matter of time before DHS starts offering punch cards:
Deport 5 exes, get 1 free ride to Mar-a-Lago.
Breaking Up Has Never Been So Politicized
Imagine using a federal agency to handle your failed relationships.
- “He cheated, so I called ICE.”
- “She ghosted me, now she’s ghosted the country.”
- “It’s not me, it’s DHS.”
This isn’t immigration policy—it’s revenge porn, but with paperwork.
Final Thoughts: ICE Is Not a Couples Therapist
Weaponizing ICE against your ex isn’t justice—it’s authoritarian Tinder with a body count.
And while Trump and the GOP continue to spin “law and order” like it’s a buzzword smoothie, the truth is simpler:
They don’t want justice. They want submission.
And if you don’t submit, they’ll deport your boyfriend.
Welcome to GOPocalypse Now, where the personal is political, and your love life could trigger federal raids.
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