Florida Bans Childhood Vaccines: DeSantis Invites Polio, Measles, and Mumps Back to the Sunshine State
Ron DeSantis just made Florida the first state to scrap all childhood vaccine mandates. Forget science—say hello to measles yearbook photos, polio football games, and chickenpox ragers. Florida: where herd immunity dies and herd stupidity thrives.
Welcome to Florida’s New Theme Park: Outbreak Kingdom
Ron DeSantis has officially decided that kids in Florida don’t need vaccines to go to school. Forget Mickey Mouse—your new neighbors are named Measles, Mumps, and Polio.
Yes, the Sunshine State is on track to become the first in the nation to eliminate all childhood vaccine mandates. Because nothing says “family-friendly” like chickenpox parties and a polio comeback tour.
Disney slogan update: “The Happiest Place on Earth… until you catch rubella.”
Surgeon General: Vaccines = Slavery (???)
Florida’s Surgeon General Joseph Ladapo didn’t stop at calling vaccine mandates “immoral.” He took it to eleven and compared them to slavery.
Slavery.
That’s like comparing brushing your teeth to waterboarding. Or saying recycling bins are basically gulags.
It’s the kind of offensive, logic-free rant you expect from a guy who probably thinks germ theory is just a liberal hoax invented by Big Soap.
MAHA: Make America Highly Infectious Again
DeSantis rolled out the MAHA Commission (short for “Make America Healthy Again”), chaired by Lt. Gov. Jay Collins and First Lady Casey DeSantis. Their job is to fight “medical orthodoxy” and champion “parental choice.”
Translation: “We’re letting Karen from Facebook decide whether measles counts as a core subject in kindergarten.”
Think of it as a science fair judged entirely by people who failed high school biology but passed Angry Facebook Commenting with honors.
A Peek Into Florida’s Future
Here’s what the Sunshine State looks like without childhood vaccines:
- Measles Yearbook Photos – “Say cheese… and don’t mind the red spots.”
- The Polio Bowl – Friday night football, brought to you by wheelchairs and iron lungs.
- Chickenpox Ragers – Sponsored by Calamine Lotion and Capri Suns.
- Hepatitis B Promposals – “I’d be liver-less without you.”
- Mumps Graduation Ceremonies – Toss your caps! (But not too high, your glands are swollen.)
Florida used to be famous for theme parks and alligators. Now? It’ll be Patient Zero, USA.
Public Health Experts: Screaming Into the Void
Epidemiologists across the country are warning that this policy will cause entirely preventable outbreaks. Polio was eliminated in the U.S. decades ago, but thanks to DeSantis, it’s about to drop its comeback album in Florida.
Measles, which spreads faster than DeSantis bans books, will tear through schools like wildfire. And who pays the price? Not the politicians doing culture-war cosplay, but the kids, the elderly, and anyone with a vulnerable immune system.
The GOP’s Bigger Playbook: Chaos as Policy
This move isn’t just about vaccines. It’s part of the GOP’s larger trend: treating reality as optional.
- Ban books? Check.
- Attack teachers? Check.
- Rewrite history? Double check.
- Now dismantle public health infrastructure? Bingo.
Every “bold” move DeSantis makes is really just another audition for Authoritarian Idol, where the prize is destroying as many institutions as possible while yelling “freedom.”
Today it’s vaccines. Tomorrow it’s climate science. By next week, maybe Florida votes to opt out of gravity.
The Absurd Irony
DeSantis loves to talk about “protecting children.” Yet his policy literally makes them less safe. It’s like banning car seats because they’re too woke. Or outlawing helmets because freedom tastes better with a concussion.
If vaccines are slavery, then what’s herd immunity? Communism?
Final Roast
Florida: where your kid can’t read Harry Potter in school, but they can definitely catch whooping cough in gym class.
Ron DeSantis 2025 campaign slogan: “Because Herd Stupidity is the Best Kind of Freedom.”
Related Reads: The GOPocalypse Expanded Universe
If DeSantis’s war on vaccines gave you chills (and not the feverish kind), you’ll love the other greatest hits from America’s authoritarian clown car:
- Project 2025: The Christian Nationalist Manifesto Hiding in Plain Sight → Because turning the U.S. into Gilead wasn’t supposed to be a DIY project.
- Trump’s $249 Presidential Perfume: Eau de Fascism → Smells like corruption, desperation, and just a hint of authoritarian musk.
- Trump’s Flag-Burning Executive Order: Because Free Speech Is Overrated → Nothing says “patriot” like banning the First Amendment with a Sharpie.
- Josh Hawley Tries to Repeal His Own Vote → When political stunts get so dumb they cancel themselves out.
Because why stop at one dystopian policy disaster when you can binge the whole box set?
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