The Epstein Files Trump Forgot to Declassify (Because He’s in Them?)

By GOPocalypse Now
“I’ve known Jeff for fifteen years. Terrific guy. He likes beautiful women as much as I do—and many of them are on the younger side.”
– Donald Trump, 2002
If that quote doesn’t make your skin crawl, the rest of this timeline will.
Donald Trump didn’t just know Jeffrey Epstein—he partied with him, praised him, protected him, and promoted the people who helped bury Epstein’s crimes. Now, as the MAGA cult chants “Where’s the Epstein list?”, maybe they should check the White House return address.
Because the closer you look at who Trump surrounded himself with, the more it looks like Epstein wasn’t the only one running a cover-up.
Donald Trump keeps teasing that he’s going to “declassify the Epstein files.” But here’s a fun twist: what if he’s not declassifying them because his name’s all over them like a Sharpie at a stripper convention?
Let’s take a look at some of the totally-not-suspicious coincidences that connect Trump to one of the most notorious pedophiles in modern history. (Spoiler: You might need a flowchart, a stiff drink, and a shower.)
“Terrific Guy, Likes 'Em Young”
Trump once called Epstein a “terrific guy” and added that he “likes beautiful women as much as I do—many of them are on the younger side.”
Ah yes, nothing screams presidential temperament like openly vibing with a sex trafficker’s dating profile.
Imagine if Obama said this. Fox News would still be on fire and Sean Hannity would be holding a rosary.
Frequent Flier on the Lolita Express
Trump was among the celebrities who hitched rides on Epstein’s plane in the '90s. You know, the plane with a bed in the back.
The one flight logs say Bill Clinton took, which Fox talks about nonstop.
Trump? “No idea who that guy is. Total nobody. Sad.”
Cabinet of Cleaners
Let’s talk about the Trump All-Stars who helped Epstein stay rich, free, and disgusting:
- Alex Acosta: Gave Epstein the sweetheart deal of the century as a U.S. attorney.
Trump made him Labor Secretary, which is ironic because Epstein should’ve been doing labor. In prison. - Bill Barr: Oversaw the prison where Epstein died. Convenient, right?
Fun fact: his dad gave Epstein his first job at a private school. Without a degree. Not weird at all! - Alan Dershowitz: Part of Trump’s impeachment defense team AND Epstein’s defense team.
He’s one bad headline away from defending a Scooby-Doo villain. - Pam Bondi: Florida Attorney General during Epstein’s busiest trafficking years. Took zero action.
Trump made her his impeachment PR mouthpiece. Because when you need to deny accountability, always hire someone who’s great at ignoring it.
“Whatever It Is” – The Ghislaine Maxwell Response
When Epstein’s partner-in-crime Ghislaine Maxwell was arrested for sex trafficking minors, Trump offered this heartfelt statement:
“I wish her well. Whatever it is.”
Whatever. It. Is.
Imagine being the President of the United States and hearing someone was arrested for sex trafficking kids, and responding like she stubbed her toe. “Rough week for Ghislaine! Hope she bounces back!”
Declassify the Files? Nah.
Trump teased during a Fox interview that he might declassify the Epstein files. Then Fox edited that part out.
Seems like the only thing getting declassified these days is your IQ if you think this man is a hero of transparency.
Let’s face it: if the Epstein files came out in full, Trump wouldn’t be holding a press conference—he’d be holding a jumpsuit.
Final Thought: The List You’re Screaming For Might End at Mar-a-Lago
MAGA trolls love yelling “Where’s the list?!”
But if Trump ever actually did release it, it might include his name, his Cabinet, and the pilot who took them to Epstein’s island for “work meetings.”
So yeah. Keep yelling. Just be ready to eat your red hat when the receipts show up.
“Drain the swamp” was a lie.
Trump stocked the swamp with creeps, cover-up artists, and club members with Epstein punch cards.
The only list that matters now is the voter roll.
Call to Action:
Share the post.
Ask your QAnon uncle if he’s read the Epstein quote from 2002.
And then remind him: Trump was never going to drain the swamp.
He just built a hot tub in it.
BONUS: Now You Can Sip the Scandal
We’ve partnered up to bring you the perfect mug for the mess: a ceramic tribute to Trump’s infamous “I knew him like everybody in Palm Beach knew him” quote—now immortalized with a side-eye and a “Sure, Jan.” so strong it should be subpoenaed.
Because nothing pairs better with your morning coffee than political hypocrisy and unresolved felonies.
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