Federal Government Declares War on Rainbows: “Too Distracting for Drivers, Too Visible for Gays”
The feds say rainbow crosswalks are “unsafe.” DeSantis calls them too “gay.” But as a gay man who’s fought my whole life to be visible, I know what this really means: the first brushstrokes in a campaign to shove us back in the closet.
Well folks, it’s official: the most dangerous thing on America’s roads isn’t texting while driving, drunk drivers, or 12-ton semis barreling down the freeway. Nope. According to the federal government and Florida’s own Ron “Fun Sponge” DeSantis, it’s rainbows.
Yes, those whimsical, multicolored death traps you might spot outside a Pulse nightclub memorial or in Key West — apparently they’re not “crosswalks” at all. They’re radical LGBTQ propaganda weapons designed to confuse innocent drivers who might otherwise be laser-focused on their TikTok feed while steering with their knees.
The Federal “Safe Roads” Initiative: Keeping America Straight (Lines Only)
Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy, who apparently has never seen a crayon box, declared that America’s streets must remain neutral, sterile, and devoid of anything that might remind you gay people exist. Under his July 1 mandate, anything more expressive than white stripes is “unsafe.”
Because God forbid a driver see a rainbow and think, “Wow, inclusivity!” instead of, “Where’s my turn signal?”
Local governments protested, pointing out that painted intersections actually increase safety by making crossings more visible. But Washington has spoken: “If it looks like fun, it’s a federal violation.”
(Sound familiar? It’s the same “safety” excuse authoritarian types love using whenever they strip away rights — just like we’ve seen in Trump’s flag-burning executive order and his tariff tantrums.)
DeSantis: Fighting Pride, One Brushstroke at a Time
Meanwhile in Florida, Ron DeSantis is out here acting like he’s auditioning to be the first Governor of Saudi America. His Department of Transportation crews have been sneaking out at night to scrub away rainbows like they’re removing graffiti — except this “graffiti” is a memorial to the 49 people murdered at Pulse nightclub.
But hey, in DeSantis’ Florida, history is just another thing you can paint over. First came the textbooks. Now the crosswalks. Next up: clouds. Don’t be surprised if the state files a lawsuit against the sky for occasionally producing unlicensed rainbows after thunderstorms.
(It’s the same pattern of Christian nationalist erasure we covered in Project 2025: The Christian Nationalist Manifesto and Pete Hegseth’s church extremism.)
The National Culture War Pothole
Here’s the kicker: it’s not just Florida. Cities across the country are getting told to rip up their crosswalk art or lose federal funding. That’s right — Uncle Sam will happily let your bridges collapse and your trains derail, but heaven forbid pedestrians cross the street safely while feeling acknowledged as human beings.
And let’s be honest: this isn’t about driver safety. It’s about erasing the LGBTQ+ community from public life, one brushstroke at a time. Because if you can’t see them, maybe they don’t exist. That’s the authoritarian dream, right? Paint the queers invisible, pave over the problem.
Coming Soon: Monochrome America
If Duffy and DeSantis get their way, America’s future will look like an endless DMV waiting room — gray walls, gray floors, gray souls. Maybe straight America will finally feel safe again, as long as nothing more exciting than a yield sign appears in their field of vision.
But for the rest of us? We’ll just keep redrawing the rainbows in chalk, in paint, in art, and in memory. Because erasing a rainbow doesn’t stop it from coming back. And no matter how hard these guys scrub, they’ll never get rid of the fact that America is, and always will be, a little too colorful for their taste.
Why This Matters to Me
For me, this isn’t abstract. I’m a gay man who’s spent decades fighting for the basic dignity of being visible. I know exactly what it looks like when the powerful try to shove us back into the shadows.
Today it’s rainbows on asphalt. Tomorrow it’s rainbows in your profile pic. And if we don’t resist, they’ll try to paint over us entirely. The closet isn’t a safe road — it’s a dead end.
(And if you think I’m exaggerating, take a look at how they’ve already weaponized Christian nationalism to justify stripping away rights, or how Trump and his cronies brag about “free speech” while censoring dissent in Fox News election lies. It’s all the same playbook.)
👉 If they’re trying to scrub the rainbows away, the least we can do is draw them back in bolder, brighter, and everywhere they look.
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