BREAKING: Trump Wins $16M for “Mental Anguish” Over Kamala Interview—America Loses What’s Left of Its Dignity

Filed from: The White House West Wing Cry Closet, July 2, 2025

In the most expensive therapy session ever recorded, President Donald J. Trump—yes, he’s president again, sorry—has successfully shaken down Paramount Global for $16 million over an emotionally damaging episode of “60 Minutes” in which Vice President Kamala Harris was depicted as… articulate.

That’s it.
That’s the whole trauma.

Apparently, seeing Harris speak in complete, fact-based sentences without shouting "MAGA" every five seconds was so distressing that Trump’s ego curled up into a fetal position under the Resolute Desk and demanded financial compensation.

“60 Minutes” or Emotional Terrorism?

The Trump legal team (now headquartered inside a Mar-a-Lago tanning cabana) alleged the CBS broadcast caused the President to experience “mental anguish, confusion, and excessive tweeting.” The horror came after watching the Harris interview where she didn’t:

• Insult NATO
• Lie about windmills causing cancer
• Call Sleepy Joe a "dead-eyed socialist puppet"

Instead, she used facts, logic, and something called “professionalism”—a direct assault on Trump’s entire brand.

Fragile Like Fine China… From Dollar Tree

Trump, who once bragged he could stare into a solar eclipse without goggles, is now claiming he was psychologically dismantled by a woman answering questions competently on television.

Sources say he demanded therapy in the form of $16 million, a cheeseburger, and a new Newsmax chyron that reads:
“Kamala Harris: Too Polished, Must Be Witchcraft.”

“Her calmness was aggressive,” said Trump in a late-night Truth Social post typed entirely in Comic Sans. “It was a DISGRACE. Everyone says so. I haven’t been this hurt since Melania made me watch Sesame Street with Barron.”

Kamala: Calm, Cool, Collected, Criminal (According to Trump)

Let’s just say it: Kamala Harris looked better than him—and in Trumpworld, that’s a felony.

While Trump has turned every public appearance into a WWE promo crossed with an infomercial for MyPillow, Harris just sat there calmly discussing policy like she didn’t wake up in a nation on fire.

So naturally, that couldn’t stand.

“She was too prepared. Too confident,” Trump ranted. “Makes you wonder… was she on Adderall? That’s cheating. I only use it recreationally.”

The Precedent That Says “Journalism = Dangerous, Just Pay Him”

The $16 million payout—reportedly earmarked for Trump’s upcoming “Presidential Library, Casino & Axe-Throwing Experience”—has shaken the journalism world. Critics warn it sets a “terrifying precedent,” where any public figure with a WiFi connection and a bruised ego can sue for being exposed to reality.

Coming soon:

• Ron DeSantis sues CNN for not calling him Daddy
• Lauren Boebert files a class-action against adjectives
• Marjorie Taylor Greene demands $8 million every time someone mentions gravity

Meanwhile, “60 Minutes” has promised to avoid further trauma by replacing all interviews with soft jazz and llama cams.

Final Thoughts: Kamala Wins the Interview, Trump Gets the Check

Let’s recap.

Kamala Harris:

• Gave a normal interview
• Made sense
• Didn’t cry afterward

Donald Trump:

• Experienced a televised ego death
• Sued for “emotional confusion”
• Got paid $16 million for being sad that Kamala Harris looked like a president and he looked like a melted candle in a red tie

At this rate, Trump might sue Sesame Street next for emotional distress caused by a puppet that spells better than him.

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