BREAKING: Senate GOP Launches Investigation Into Biden’s Age… Even Though He’s Not the President Anymore

WASHINGTON — In a bold display of legislative time-travel, Senate Republicans announced an official investigation this week into whether former President Joe Biden was too old to be president… retroactively.

Yes, it’s 2025. Donald J. Trump is back in the Oval Office, the Resolute Desk has been replaced with a tanning bed, and the nation is once again running on Diet Coke and executive orders scribbled on cocktail napkins. But for the GOP, the biggest threat to democracy is still somewhere in Delaware, walking his dog and wearing aviators.

“We must get to the bottom of whether Joe Biden’s aging process posed a constitutional risk,” declared Sen. Ron Johnson while furiously flipping through a binder labeled “1993–2024: Suspect Shuffles.”

Operation Timewarp: Make Age a Crime Again™

The newly formed Select Committee on Advanced Presidential Decay has already called for:

• Biden’s neurological assessments (plus horoscopes from his time in office),
• Subpoenas for his orthopedic shoes, and
• Testimony from the guy who used to wheel in the ice cream cart.

“This is about national security,” insisted Sen. Josh Hawley. “When a president is too old, how can they properly ignore Congress like the Constitution intended?”

Chuck Grassley, who turned 105 last month and has been a senator since the Louisiana Purchase, nodded gravely. “I remember when presidents used to be young. Like Reagan.”

Meanwhile, President Trump, 79 and riding high after renaming FEMA “TRUMPAID,” weighed in on Truth Social:

“Biden was the oldest president in history. Sad! I’m young, strong, VERY smart. I just passed a cognitive test where I named so many animals. The doctor cried. Said I was the best rememberer.”

White House officials declined to comment on whether Trump took the test shirtless while lifting dumbbells.

Democrats Respond: “We’re... still doing this?”

House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries responded with an audible sigh. “Trump’s reinstated martial theme music during press briefings, but sure—let’s investigate a retired grandpa feeding ducks.”

Former President Biden, reached for comment at a Wawa, said only: “Folks… come on.”

Sources say he then drove off in a Corvette humming Springsteen, blissfully unaware that half of Congress still believes he’s hiding nuclear codes in his sock drawer.