BREAKING: Elon Musk Launches “America Party,” Declares War on Trump, Pants, and Budget Math
UNITED STATES / LOW EARTH ORBIT — In a move that has shocked exactly no one except the IRS and several concerned Tesla shareholders, Elon Musk has officially launched a political party called the America Party™, declaring independence from both major parties, fiscal reality, and the concept of wearing a suit.
“The two-party system is outdated,” Musk said from behind a podium labeled AMERICA PARTY, while dressed like a man who accidentally wandered into a TED Talk. “We need innovation, discipline, and fewer politicians named Kevin.”
America Party Platform Highlights:
- AI-Enhanced Military – Drones that tweet before they strike.
- Crypto Backed Budgeting – Mint the Dogecoin.
- Pronatalism – More babies, fewer boomers.
- Free Speech, Paid Verification – Every opinion counts. Yours just costs $8/month.
Musk blasted President Trump for signing the recent “Big Beautiful Spending Bill,” calling it “a bloated, porky disgrace that reads like it was co-authored by Congress and IHOP.”
“The GOP has become the Porky Pig Party,” Musk tweeted. “Oink oink, you're broke.”
President Trump Responds
President Trump, currently serving his second (and most legally creative) term, fired back immediately on Truth Social:
“Elon Musk is a total failure. He begged me for a job. Now he’s forming the Silly Space Party. SAD! He will be DESTROYED by MAGA NATION. Also, he’s very weird with names of kids. X-A-E-INSURRECTION? WHAT?!”
He concluded the rant by threatening to ban Tesla from Florida, audit Mars, and replace Musk with DJT AI™, a neural network trained entirely on Diet Coke and applause.
Wall Street Reacts Like Wall Street Always Does
Tesla stock dropped 7% after the announcement, prompting panic among investors and at least one CNBC anchor to whisper, “We’re in the dumbest timeline, aren’t we?”
Meanwhile, Elon reassured followers:
“Tesla is fine. SpaceX is fine. Twitter—I mean X—is fine. We’re simply pivoting into governance now. Like Rome. But with better Wi-Fi.”
From the America Party Manifesto:
“We believe in Starlink access for all, voting on X polls, and nuking the national debt with tunnel-powered efficiency. Congress will be replaced by a group chat moderated by Joe Rogan.”
Other policies include:
- A “Meme Czar” in every cabinet
- Replacing the Supreme Court with ChatGPT and a GoPro
- All laws delivered via push notification
How to Join the America Party
- Burn your voter registration card in a flamethrower
- Quote Elon in a crypto forum
- Upload your Neuralink data to the blockchain
- Purchase a "Let’s Get Fiscal" T-shirt from the campaign store (sizes XS to Mars XL)
Closing Thought:
Is Elon Musk building a real political future or just speedrunning democracy like it’s an open-world sandbox game?
Either way, one thing’s certain: the 2026 midterms will include three parties, two billionaires, and one deeply confused nation trying to pick between fascism, futurism, or fries.
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