BREAKING: Trump Crowned “Asshole of the Century” by American Proctologists

Cleveland, OH — In an announcement that shocked no one and somehow still felt overdue, American Proctology Magazine has officially named President Donald J. Trump its “Asshole of the Century.”

The decision was made unanimously by the American Association of Proctologists at their 83rd annual convention, held this week in a Hilton ballroom that reportedly “smelled like latex and regret.”

“We typically reserve this award for actual medical conditions,” said Association President Dr. Phil Brownstar, who presented Trump with the coveted Golden Anus Trophy, a 14-karat gold sculpture modeled after a colonoscopy gone wrong. “But sometimes, nature creates an exception so severe, it demands special recognition.”

Anatomy Meets Infamy

Past recipients of the prestigious Golden Anus include:

• The inventor of cargo shorts with Velcro flys,
• The dude who brought tuna to a 6-hour flight,
• And a guy from New Jersey named Randy who faked 400 colonoscopies for YouTube views.

But Dr. Brownstar says none of them had the “depth, reach, or sheer gas volume” of this year’s honoree.

“We didn’t even need a scope,” he added. “He’s been mooning the country in broad daylight for decades.”

Acceptance Speech Delivered via ALL CAPS

While Trump didn’t attend the ceremony in person (rumor has it he confused “Proctology” with “Protology” and assumed it involved professional wrestling), he did issue a statement:

“NO ONE HAS DONE MORE FOR BUTTS THAN ME. I HAVE THE BEST ANUS. MANY PEOPLE SAY SO. THIS IS A VERY HONORED AWARD — EVEN OBAMA NEVER GOT ONE!! SAD!!!”

His spokesperson later clarified the award “proves once again how obsessed the radical butt community is with Donald J. Trump.”

Reaction Mixed, but Mostly Constipated

The medical community was split. Some applauded the AAP for their boldness, others questioned whether naming Trump “Asshole of the Century” might actually elevate his brand.

“Honestly, he’ll probably wear it like a badge,” said one gastroenterologist. “Or worse—sell replica Golden Anus trophies on Truth Social for $99.99 and call it a patriot coin.”

Meanwhile, Rudy Giuliani claimed he was “robbed,” while Mike Pence quietly submitted a LinkedIn update under the heading “Honorable Mention.”

Future of the Award in Doubt

Asked whether the award will return in 2100, Dr. Brownstar sighed.

“If the bar stays this low, we may have to switch to millennial categories: Asshole of the Decade, Asshole of the Fiscal Quarter, Asshole of the Week — possibly a daily newsletter.”

Editorial Note: This is satire. Trump has not been officially recognized by any professional butt journal. But if he ever is, we called it first.

Want more painfully accurate political satire, golden trophies, and award-winning absurdity? Head over to GOPocalypse-now.com — where democracy circles the drain in style.