Breaking: President Trump Wins ‘Asshole of the Century’ Award, Biden Responds With Dignity (And a Colonoscopy Joke)
At this year’s annual proctology convention, Donald Trump was named “Asshole of the Century” and awarded the prestigious Golden Anus Trophy. Experts say the decision was unanimous and “deeply diagnostic.”
🚨 Satirical Breaking News
Cleveland, OH — In a moment that surprised absolutely no one, President Donald J. Trump has officially been declared the “Asshole of the Century” by the American Proctology Association.
The announcement, made during Trump’s second term, cements what voters, doctors, and most people with eyeballs have known for years: Trump has achieved a level of colonic infamy unmatched in modern politics.
Anatomy of a Presidential Win
The honor, usually reserved for rare medical marvels like “man sits on garden gnome for two decades,” veered into politics for the first time in history.
According to the committee, Trump’s “depth, reach, and sheer gas output” outperformed other contenders, including:
- A Floridian who brought sardines to jury duty
- Elon Musk’s Twitter strategy
- And Joe Biden, who—despite losing the award—reminded everyone he still has a functioning moral compass and a colon.
“Trump was the obvious choice,” said Dr. Phil Brownstar, Proctology President. “It’s not just that he’s a political asshole. It’s that he’s an all-purpose asshole.”
Trump’s Response: Caps Lock and Gas
At a hastily-arranged Rose Garden press conference, Trump accepted the award while holding the Golden Anus Trophy aloft like it was the nuclear football.
“NOBODY DESERVES THIS AWARD MORE THAN ME. BIDEN NEVER WON AN ASSHOLE AWARD. J.D. VANCE SAYS I’M THE GREATEST ASSHOLE OF ALL TIME—MAYBE EVER. PEOPLE ARE CALLING ME THE GOAT… THE GREATEST OF ALL TUSHIES.”
Nearby, JD Vance clapped like a trained seal, whispering to reporters: “I only dream of achieving Asshole of the Decade someday. Serving this man is like serving a bowel movement from God.”
Cabinet Support: Enter Stephen Miller
White House aide Stephen Miller was tasked with polishing the Golden Anus trophy—literally. Witnesses say Miller cradled it in velvet gloves, muttering, “Finally, recognition of our shared vision of cruelty.”
Other cabinet members remained silent, though Marjorie Taylor Greene was reportedly furious she wasn’t even nominated.
Biden’s Reaction
From Delaware, Joe Biden responded with dry dignity:
“Look, folks. I may have lost re-election, but at least I didn’t lose my humanity—or my colon. Doc just scoped me last week. Clean as a whistle. Can’t say the same for Don.”
The Future of the Award
When asked if the “Asshole of the Century” award will be given again in 2125, Dr. Brownstar shrugged:
“Asshole of the Century is supposed to be rare. But with this administration, we might have to issue a Daily Digest.”
Good Reads
- If you think this award is bad, wait until you see Trump’s plan to torch the First Amendment — flag-burning is just the opening act.
- And speaking of clowns, Mitch McConnell’s retirement tour makes Trump look like an amateur Roomba on low battery.
- Authoritarianism isn’t just about Trump’s ego — it’s baked into the Christian Nationalist playbook.
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