BREAKING: Biden Used a Pen. Republicans Demand Nuremberg 2.0.

Well, folks—just when you thought American politics had hit rock bottom, Trump’s GOP rented a backhoe.

In their latest attempt to spin stationary into scandal, Republicans are furiously investigating… Joe Biden’s autopen. That’s right. Not classified documents. Not policy abuse. A pen. A robotic pen. Like something from Office Depot’s dark web.

President Trump (yes, current President, somehow) has deployed Attorney General Pam Bondi and White House Counsel David Warrington to launch a full-scale investigation. Their apparent mission? To confirm that Joe Biden didn’t manually sign a few end-of-term bills and pardons—possibly while wearing a robe and eating pudding, which we cannot yet confirm.

Meanwhile, House Oversight Chairman James Comer is leading the charge with the seriousness of a man who thinks Sharpies are how bills become law. He’s requested transcribed interviews with five Biden advisers, claiming they were part of “one of the greatest scandals in our nation’s history.”

You heard that right. One of the greatest scandals. Not Watergate. Not Iran-Contra. Not staging a coup while live-tweeting. No—a pen that signs things automatically.

Comer, channeling the ghost of Inspector Clouseau, wants sworn testimony from Biden’s senior aides, his former chief of staff, his physician, and possibly the guy who refilled the West Wing’s paper tray. He insists this isn’t a fishing expedition—unless you're fishing for soundbites and campaign donations.

And just to really class things up, Comer cited Jake Tapper and Alex Thompson’s book, Original Sin, which claims Biden was barely running the country and might have thought “Executive Order” was a Netflix series.

Democrats, understandably exhausted from the two GOP cosplay, are calling it a distraction. Rep. Jamie Raskin said Comer is “living off of a spent dream.” Translation: he’s chasing Biden’s cognitive decline like it’s the last golden ticket to impeachment Wonka.

Now, just to recap:

• Trump, the actual president, is launching DOJ investigations over pens.
• Biden, the former president, withdrew from the 2024 race after a painfully forgettable debate performance.
• Kamala Harris took his place and lost to Trump.
• And yet, they're still interviewing every former Biden aide like they're casting for True Detective: Retirement Home Edition.

If we could weaponize Republican outrage over Biden’s autopen, we’d have solved climate change by now.

But alas, here we are—burning taxpayer money, committee hours, and common sense over a pen while Trump turns the West Wing into a Mar-a-Lago gift shop and lays the groundwork for “President Forever” merch.

Priorities!