BARK THE WALL: U.S. Border Patrol Begins Deporting Mexican Dogs in Latest Immigration Crackdown

El Paso, TX — In a stunning new immigration crackdown, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security has begun rounding up and deporting undocumented dogs suspected of being “illegally adorable” and “suspiciously fluent in Spanish commands.”

Officials claim the furry offenders pose a “national security risk” to the nation’s snacks, lawns, and mail carriers.

“We’ve received credible intelligence that some of these dogs can sit, stay, and dig—all while barking en Español,” said ICE Canine Division Chief Chuck Rufferson. “They’re taking commands American dogs won’t. That’s a threat to our freedom.”

🛂 Operation PAWtriot Act Has Launched

Code-named “Operation PAWtriot Act,” the initiative deploys agents armed with tennis balls and beef jerky to lure suspected pups into “detainment kennels.” Detainees are questioned using advanced techniques, including high-pitched baby voices and squeaky toys.

One Chihuahua named Paco was reportedly caught at a dog park after responding to the phrase “¿Quién quiere una galleta?” (“Who wants a treat?”). Officials say that’s probable cause under the new “Woof-and-Frisk” policy.

“These dogs aren’t barking in English,” said one Border Patrol officer, “and frankly, I don’t trust a terrier who rolls his Rs.”

✈️ Deported via PetSmart Airlines

Deportations are now being handled by PetSmart Airlines, a repurposed chew-proof flight service where deported dogs are flown back across the border with a farewell Milk-Bone and a condescending “¡Adiós, perrito!”

The airline denies reports that they played Who Let the Dogs Out on repeat during takeoff.

Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the administration insists, “This is not anti-dog. We love dogs. As long as they come through the proper kennel.”

🦴 Dog Lobby in Uproar

Dog advocacy groups are barking mad.

“What’s next, sniffing collars at TSA?” asked Linda Pawsberg of Dogs Without Borders. “This is a slippery slope. First they came for the pugs, and I said nothing…”

Petco has issued a formal protest, noting that nearly 40% of chew toys are imported via these very same pups.

The White House responded by banning all plush tacos and sombrero costumes in the East Wing.

Experts Say American Dogs Are “Not That Into Fetch Anyway”

A leaked DHS memo revealed that many American-born dogs have lost interest in traditional values like fetch, tug-of-war, and rolling in dead things.

“Frankly, these foreign-born dogs are just hungrier,” said one anonymous official. “Literally. They finish their kibble and ask for seconds.”

Meanwhile, Cats Remain Untouched

Asked whether cats are being deported too, the agency clarified:

“No. We tried. They just blink at you and knock your coffee over. Honestly, we’re scared of them.”

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