BARK THE WALL: U.S. Border Patrol Begins Deporting Mexican Dogs in Latest Immigration Crackdown
DHS launches Operation PAWtriot Act to deport dogs that “bark in Spanish.” Satire so absurd, it might just sniff the truth.
El Paso, TX — In the latest escalation of America’s border absurdities, the Department of Homeland Security has launched a bold new initiative: deporting undocumented dogs suspected of being “illegally adorable” and “suspiciously fluent in Spanish commands.”
According to ICE’s newly formed Canine Division, these tail-wagging migrants pose a “national security threat” to snacks, lawns, and mail carriers nationwide.
“We’ve received credible intelligence that some of these dogs can sit, stay, and dig—all while barking en Español,” said ICE Canine Division Chief Chuck Rufferson. “They’re taking commands American dogs refuse. That’s a threat to our freedom.”
Operation PAWtriot Act: America’s Latest Barkdown
Code-named “Operation PAWtriot Act,” the initiative deploys agents armed with tennis balls and beef jerky to lure suspect pups into detainment kennels. Interrogations reportedly involve high-pitched baby voices, squeaky toys, and endless repetitions of "Who’s a good boy?"
One Chihuahua named Paco was allegedly apprehended at a dog park after responding to “¿Quién quiere una galleta?” (“Who wants a treat?”). ICE insists that qualifies as probable cause under their new “Woof-and-Frisk” policy.
“These dogs aren’t barking in English,” said one Border Patrol officer. “Frankly, I don’t trust a terrier who rolls his Rs.”
Deportation Flights Now Run by PetSmart Airlines
Dogs flagged for removal are flown out via PetSmart Airlines—a chew-proof, in-flight kennel system. Each flight includes a complimentary Milk-Bone and a TSA agent yelling “¡Adiós, perrito!” with questionable pronunciation.
Though the airline denies it, multiple sources claim Who Let the Dogs Out plays on repeat during takeoff.
Dog Advocacy Groups Are Barking Mad
The canine civil rights community isn’t rolling over.
“This is a slippery slope,” warned Linda Pawsberg of Dogs Without Borders. “First they came for the pugs, and I said nothing...”
Meanwhile, Petco issued a formal protest, noting that nearly 40% of chew toys are imported via these very same pups. The White House retaliated by banning all plush tacos and sombrero costumes in the East Wing.
Real K-9 Units, Real Border Work
While our satire hits hard, the reality isn’t far off. The U.S. government does rely on real canine units to sniff out contraband—not cuddle commands.
CBP's real canine work in action: Beagle detects 100 lbs of illegal food
As we revealed in our Gaslight.gov satire, the line between propaganda and parody is increasingly blurry. Now it’s gone to the dogs.
Sound Familiar? It Should.
If “Paw Patrol meets ICE” feels like the sequel to a clown show, you’re not alone. We covered this circus in Trump’s Cabinet Clown Show, where bad ideas are promoted faster than facts.
Meanwhile… Cats Remain Untouched
Asked if cats would be deported too, DHS clarified:
“We tried. They just blinked at us, knocked our coffee over, and vanished under a couch. Honestly, we’re scared of them.”
A leaked memo from the Department adds that American-born dogs have lost interest in traditional values like fetch and tug-of-war, noting that “foreign-born dogs are just hungrier. Literally. They eat all their kibble and ask for more.”
Conclusion: You Can’t Make This Pup Up
Whether you’re a dog lover, a satire junkie, or someone who thinks Bark the Wall might be a real Fox News chyron someday... you’re probably right.
Like your chihuahuas—feisty, fearless, and slightly unhinged?
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