America's Most Wanted (Prescription): The Pharma Avengers Assemble

In a moment of unprecedented honesty—or possibly a fever dream hallucination—we present to you the latest campaign strategy for 2025: “Drugs, Not Hugs.”

Meet The Pharma Avengers, a brave band of liberty-laced, substance-swirled superstars doing lines for the Constitution and bumping rails of freedom. They don’t run on policies. They run on pure chemical propulsion.

🔴 Donald “Doctor Dose” Trump – Adderall
Commander-in-Caps-Lock. Fueled by a suspicious blend of orange bronzer and unprescribed fire. His cognitive test? He passed it, folks. Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV. Adderall.

🔵 Elon “Space Dust” Musk – Ketamine
Launching rockets and tweets while microdosing ego and macro-snorting delusion. He’s not here to save humanity. He’s here to confuse it. Twitter, X, Tesla, Doge... or was that a dream?

🟢 RFK Jr. – Heroin (Allegedly… but definitely maybe)
Slurring through science and stirring conspiracy stew. The man speaks in a dialect best described as “deflated balloon caught in a libertarian wind tunnel.” But sure, let’s give him the nuclear codes.

⚪ Don Jr. – Cocaine
Have you ever seen a man blink in Morse code? You have now. Every sentence sounds like it ends with, “I swear I’m fine, bro.” He doesn’t do cocaine. Cocaine does him.

🟡 Eric Trump – Alcohol
Like a watered-down mimosa at a Mar-a-Lago brunch. He’s not on anything—he’s just been drinking since 2008. Eric is proof that even nepotism has a designated driver.

🟣 Mike Lindell – Meth
The Pillow Prophet. The Crystal King. The only man who thought a cracked-out scavenger hunt across swing states would overturn democracy. At this point, his pillows are just stuffed with FreedomFlakes™ and drywall.

Final Thoughts:
If this lineup doesn’t scream “MAGA-geddon 2025,” nothing will. America, land of the free and home of the chemically enhanced. Don’t vote based on policy—vote based on pharmaceutical compatibility.

Because at the end of the day, the only thing more American than democracy... is Big Pharma.